Harry Potter and the Petting Zoo of Doom
by not bitter just twisted
Summary: Harry potter and all his little friends go on their biggest adventure yet, including spiders, goats, killer banana's and what lurks in Harry's cupboard. May contain Swearwords and spiders
1. Chapter 1 In which we meet our hero

**Hello, this is just a random story I wrote with my extremely beautiful cool friend Sophie **thank you Sophie for that (she's actually mentally disturbed) **I resent that**

_It was a quiet day in Hogwarts, and all was silent until_…

Ron: Screaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmm!!!

Harry: what now?

Ron: there is a spider in the bath!

Harry: Where?

Ron: In the bath.

Harry: What bath?

Ron: You know. The bath. In the bathroom.

Harry: But we're in the great hall…

Ron: I can sense its presence.

Harry: …

_Later that day (at meeting in great hall)_

Dumbledore: And the winner of the competition for the tickets to the petting zoo is… Harry Potter and two of his friends!

Neville: (_sarcastically_) Wow, that was a surprise!

Seamus: wow I've always wanted to go to a petting zoo!

Harry: yeah… well I'll see you later after I've been to the petting zoo with

Ron and Hermione…

Seamus: (_starts randomly singing _heartbroken_ and then sobbing runs to room)_

Dean: what was _that_ all about?

Hermione: _awkward_!

Harry: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight……… well I'll see you there then

Hermione: Okay (_watches harry leave_) he's so dreamy….

Harry: What?

Hermione: Nothing… (_Speaking quietly_) just that your hot

Harry: What?

Hermione: just…..coughing!

Ron: Yeah right


	2. Chapter 2 At the petting zoo

**Hi Not bitter Just Twisted here, decided to write a second chapter, oh and thanks to **_**colouring**__** the sky**_** and **_**WhitePheonixFlame**_** for reviewing! **

Harry: Finally here, at the petting zoo

Hermione: yes, good to be here. By the way, where's Ron?

Harry: Oh, I think he's enjoying himself.

Ron: (_Inspecting animals_) Goat? That's not a goat; I've seen better beards on my grandmother. Oh wait, an Alpaca you say? I'm sorry, but that's a llama.

Hermione: He is _such_ a moron

Harry: I thought you were going to get married to him?

Hermione: Well yeah, _ahem_ yeah, obviously, _ahem_

Ron: Hey guys, what are you talking about?

Harry & Hermione: Nothing…

Ron: Anyway guys, I thought we might go to that thing over there

Harry: what thing?

Ron: Over there

Hermione: _House of arachnids?_

Ron: yeah, that's it

Harry: er…. You do know what an arachnid is don't you?

Ron: Yeah, it's a type of rabbit. Why?

Harry: No, it means…

Hermione: _Shut up_ Oh no reason, none at all, right Harry?

Harry: Why did you just wink at me?

Hermione: No reason, none at all, (_Winks_)

Harry: You did it again!

Hermione: Oh just shut up and hurry up we've got 'Rabbits' to go see. (_Winks_)

Harry: You just…

Hermione: come on!

**A little crap, but we try! Enjoy! (or not, whatever you think, please review!)**


	3. Chapter 3: In the house of Arachnids

**Haven't written for a while, been busy, soz X)**

Ron: SCREEEEAAAAMM!!!! SCREAMM!!! SCREAM!!!

Harry: Ron, This is just the entrance

Hermione: Oooh, look at that tarantula

Harry: Would you look at that bird-eating spider

Ron: (_Sits in corner gibbering and rocking back and forth_)

_Meanwhile, something is happening near the back of the house of arachnids_

Warden 1: What is that huge mysterious shape stealing our biggest spider?

Warden 2: must be a trick of the light

Warden 1: Hmmmm...

Harry: (_To Hermione)_ As much as I enjoy freaking out Ron, we better get back

Hermione: I know. Shame though, I love freaking out Rom

Harry: You know, even though due to predictable plot lines it has become obvious that you are going to end up with Ron, I'm really starting to doubt that you like him.

Hermione: maybe I like someone else.

Harry: Who?

Hermione: Never mind. Did you say you are still going out with Ginny?

Meanwhile , a dark shape goes into Ron's and Harry's room...


	4. Chapter 4: Strange shapes & ginger kids

**Sorry I haven't updated in a while-A **_**long**_** while- but I've been writing a book (of my own) which now has over 10,000 words. I feel proud.**

**Anyway, to get back on the subject, I've got to do the disclaimer. I do not own the Harry Potter books. **_**YET.**_

_Harry, Hermione and the douche have gotten back to Hogwarts, where-_

Ron: I am not a douche!

_You are a bit of one._

Ron: That's horrible! I'm telling Hermione on you, and she'll turn you into an annoying, whiny kid with commitment issues, and with a total paranoia about spiders.

_Obviously she's already got to you then._

Ron: YOU. TAKE. THAT. BACK.

_No._

Ron: HERMIONE!

_Fine, fine. Don't get your irritating red hair in a twist. Can I get on with my story now?_

Ron: Yes.

(Mutters)_Douche._

Ron: _What_ was that?

_Nothing. Anyway, the three nerds had got back to Hogwarts, where they all went to bed in their separate dormitories. Unfortunately, they didn't realise what would be waiting for them..._

Ron: Back at last! I feel so much better. This whole room is spider free.

Harry: _Looking at a mysterious dark shape on the ceiling_ yeah....

_In the middle of the night Harry awoke, to see a huge many legged dark shape on a still sleeping Ron._

Harry: Ron, wake up, and get out of bed really, _really_, carefully and quietly...

Ron: Harry, why did you have to wake me _yawns and sees giant spider_ AAAAAAAAAAAAH!! HOLY CRAP, IT'S SHELOB!!

Hargrid: _Steps out from the shadows_ It's Aragog actually.

Ron: I DON'T CARE ABOUIT ITS NAME GET IT THE HELL OFF ME! _Faints_

Harry: Anyway Hagrid, why is Aragog in our dorm?

**Why **_**is **_**Aragog in Ron's bed? Well, you'll just have to wait and see! (evil laughter)**


	5. Chapter 5: Gansta's and Danish

**Hey, I know I haven't updated this for ages, but that's because of one simple fact: I can't be bothered! Well, not quite true; I'm normally avoiding homework or something. So today I'm updating this because I'm a procrastinator! And I'm avoiding doing my physics coursework. Sometimes I think I shouldn't be allowed to do GCSE's.**

_Last week, on this fan fiction with an unbelievably long title that I can't be bother to type, and have therefore written something longer than the actual title, Ron was awakened by Shelob standing on his bed!_

Shelob: _click click splot click _(I don't like contradicting you, kind sir, but my name is not Shelob)

_And I'm not a man._

Shelob: _shlick clik clock click _(Could've fooled me)

_*&^%$&^%$$%. Anyway, Shelob was on Ron's bed and now Hermione has joined them in the common room, and Hagrid is about to explain why Shelob was there._

Hagrid: Well, ma hip homeboy-homey-partner, I was like, well in the sadness right, 'coz my fav spi-bro hadded bin taken by the motherf*****g fuzz- (_Harry is staring dreamily out of the window in a kind of reverie)_ Hey, bro-face, you spangling your earholes in me direction, innit?

Harry: Wha- oh sorry Hagrid, I was just watching the Slytherin's late night Quidditch practise...

Hagrid: Ah, checkin out da competition, innit?

Harry: (_Quickly looks away from the Slytherin seeker_) yes, checking out... the competition.

Ron: Am I missing something? Since when was Hagrid a Gangster?

Hermione: Yeah, and since when was Harry gay?

_Everyone looks uncomfortable; Hagrid looks at the ceiling whilst whistling, Ron looks at the floor, and Harry continues painting his nails a delightful shade of Hot Pink._

Hermione: (_Relieved laugh)_ you're right, that's a stupid idea. Harry isn't gay.

_Harry begins blowing on his nails to dry them quicker_.

Ron: Anyway, back to my original question: Why are you a gangster now?

Hagrid: Simple, bruv- I grew up in the hood, didn't I. I woz kiked awt o' scool at a yong age, and I ain't learnt nothing since.

Ron: But that doesn't explain why all your words are spelt wrong.

Hagrid: Dunno, guv.

Ron: That's cockney!

Hermione: For god's sake, stop nitpicking you neglected second son of a welsh ferret farmer who hasn't and who will never get laid by anyone who is not an animal-

Harry & Hagrid: Oh My God POWNED

Hermione: -Now Hagrid, explain why Shelob was in Harry's bedroom. By the way, where is Shelob?

Hagrid: Like, well behind you

Ron: Do we have to see it? It's so scary, and... ugly.

Shelob: _Click Shhick_ _awesal click douche_ (Excuse me, but I must object. At least I am not of a ginger colour.)

Ron: Here we go, the ginger thing again...

Harry: You understood him? But it's just noises!

Ron: Actually he's just speaking Danish.

Hermione: _Anyway_ on with the story.

Hagrid: Well, the fuzz had like well nicked ma best Bruv, and so I was like well 'artbroken. So I maded a doozer of a plan to snaffle him back, and went hile you floozies were being snickered by small furry 'nimalys. Soes noow I like go' 'im 'ack.

Ron: WHAT IS WRONG WITH CONSONANTS?

Hagrid: What's 'at your on abou'?

Ron: (_falls to the floor in a gibbering wreck)_

Hermione: SUCH a douche bag.

Harry: _(nonchalantly) _is Draco Malfoy single?

Hermione: What? Harry, I don't need you trying to set me up again.

Harry: Yeah... trying to set _you_ up...

_And thus they returned to bed for the night. But what will happen next time? Will the spider learn to talk English? Will Harry get the boy of his dreams (don't go there)? Will Hagrid...learn to speak English? Will Hermione ever learn of Harry's disinterest? And will Ron ever not be a douche? Find out on the next instalment of... ._

**I realise how stupid this is compared to my other stories, but hey, everyone needs a way of unwinding..**


	6. Chapter 6:The Inconsistencies of Douches

**Hey look, it's your favourite bi-annual event! I know you're all very excited. So here you go:**

**Harry Potter and the Story with a Ridiculously Long Title**

_Welcome back. If you've forgotten what's happened so far, I don't blame you. Reread it ya schmucks, it ain't long. Anyway, Hagrid is hiding a particularly large spider within the Gryffindor Boys' Dormitory. Hermione is there too... somehow. I don't even want to know how she got up here. Harry is enraged, Hagrid is a Gangsta, Hermione's oblivious and Ron lacks the intelligence to be anything._

Ron: Do you just use your slot at the beginning to insult me?

_All hail the intelligence of Ronald, for he has finally twigged._

Ron: _Grumble_

_Fear his mighty grumbling!_

Hermione: A-_hem_.

_Sorry. Anyway, it's now up to the Golden Trio to—_

Harry: I'm sorry, the what?

_Er... Golden Trio?_

Harry: Who're they?

_Why, you and your young friends._

Harry: Since when have we been called that?

_You know, I've never actually hear it in cannon. Must be a fan thing._

Ron: It's a little _gay, _isn't it?

Harry: I rather like it. Sounds... sparkly.

_Awkward silence._

_Anyway, the three main characters must find a way to deal with the spider problem. Can we _please_ get on with the story now? Jeez._

Harry: So Hagrid, what're we going to do with Shelob?

Hagrid: Well m'man, I fort we could well hide him in le drawboard, innit mon.

Golden Trio: Huh?

Shelob: C_lick schlik ma click_ ( I believe he would like to hide me in your most unseemly closet.)

Ron: Oh, in the cupboard.

Hermione: You can understand him?

Ron: I told you, I speak Danish.

Harry: _Looks up from daydream._ Wait... My cupboard?

Hagrid: Yer bro

Shelob: _Ma Clickso_ ( Indeed so.)

Ron: He says yes.

Harry: Um... I don't think that'd be a good idea...

Hermione: Why not?

Harry: It doesn't matter. Why can't he just go back to the forbidden forest?

Hagrid: Well, it's like well forbidden ya know man. I ain't 'llowed no-where near it.

Ron: _twitches at the use of a double negative._

Hermione: But you've been there loads of times!

Harry: Whoa Hermione, didn't you hear the man? It's _forbidden._

Ron: Yeah, _forbidden._

Hermione: I really don't have a clue what's going on.

Ron: Jeez, got that right.

Hermione: Huh?

Hagrid. Let me just open da cupboard now...oh.

_Everyone is given a wonderful view of Harry's closet. Inside is a poster of two unicorns galloping over a rainbow, one labelled 'Harry' and the other 'Draco'. Various pictures of Draco Malfoy doing activities such as eating, sleeping and masturbating are pinned up around the walls and scattered across the floor. On the inside of the door is a sign saying 'Mrs Harry Malfoy' with hearts doodled around it._

Hermione: _Bursts out laughing_

Everyone else: Huh?

Hermione: Oh Harry, you're the best friend I could ever have! When you spread these photos and stuff around school on April Fool's day, Malfoy is going to be so creeped out! I can't wait! It's so nice that you'd take revenge on the guy that's bullied me forever! Is this... for me? _Flutters eyelashes._

Harry: Um... sure it is Hermione. You're a good _friend._ You're probably one of my best _friends_. I'm so happy to have you as a _friend._

Hermione: Oh yeah, I get it. I'm a _friend (winks_)

Harry: Why are you winking?

Hermione: Oh for—never mind.

Hagrid: Wateva. Get in there ma spidery buddy.

Shelob: _Click mick Schalick. _(Fine, but I do this deed under protest.)

Hagrid: Now you three had better get down to the great hall and act natural.

Ron: Hagrid...you're accent...

Hagrid: What accent? Ma bruva.

Ron: It doesn't matter.

_Later, they get down to the hall for breakfast._

Seamus: No, it's completely illogical to be able to create a horcrux accidently, as the wording of the spell must be absolutely—oh, hey guys.

Harry: What are you talking about?

Seamus: Oh, just some weird book Neville's reading.

Neville: I like it...

Seamus: (_pats head) _ Of course you do darling. Of course you do.

Neville: What have you guys been doing?

Ron: Nothing whatsoever to do with giant hairy spiders or illegal escapades.

Seamus: Well, that's good to know.

_General Facepalm_

Luna: Hey, do you mind if I sit by you?

Harry: I don't know if you're allowed due to the discrimination between houses, but go right ahead.

Ron: Has anyone noticed that Malfoy isn't wearing any grease in his hair today?

Harry: Oh, he never does that on the third Tuesday of the month because he goes swimming in the lake.

Everyone in earshot: _stares_

Harry: What?

Hermione: Well you're...observant.

Luna: Just like my belief that we're actually all in a badly written fanfiction of a well-known children's series?

_Everyone Laughs at Luna's weird crazy talk _

Harry: Oh Luna, you do crack me up.

Luna: (_smiles and continues eating)_

Seamus: Looks like Dumbledore's making an announcement.

Dumbledore: Attention please. It has come to my attention that something very strange has happened at Hogwarts.

_Captain Gasp_

Dumbledore: I have to inform you that—

**Bwah ha ha ha! I'm finishing it there, partly to be irritating, partly because my brain is melting. Cybercookies to anyone who gets the 'captain gasp' joke.**

**Review os gwelwch yn dda.**


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